|Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW
Me: "Hi, my name's Flash and I'm a columnist. I've been
writing for nine weeks now."
Everybody: "Hi, Flash."
(It works best if you imagine yourself in a classroom sitting in a
circle in an uncomfortable plastic chair with eleven people you don't
know at all.)
Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?
Supposedly, the typical man thinks about sex at least once every two
minutes. I guess I'm above average. And I don't know how often girls
think about it, but it's not nearly often enough.
With all this thinking about sex going on, you'd think people would be
better at actually getting it. Well, you'd be wrong. Why do you think we
have bars? Basically, so there's a slight chance someone's drunk enough
to sleep with you despite your lack of wit, style and looks.
Well, because Flash also lacks the above ingredients, I've discovered a
method that is guaranteed to get you doing the midnight mambo or your
money back. Since I know many of you are familiar with 12-step programs
(Hi, my name's Flash and I'm an alcoholic), here's Flash's 12-step
program for getting lucky.
Step 1: Go up and talk to her. If you get a good vibe, ask for her
number. And no, "Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like some?"
does not work. Save that for the next time you're at the Men's Club. Be
real. Or as real as you can pretend to be.
Step 2: Call her within 2 days. And not at times you know she's not
going to be home. I hate to tell you this, but girls are on to that
trick. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You call
when she's not there so she has to call you back and then you know if
she's interested. Be a man and actually talk to her, not Call Notes.
Step 3: Ask her out. And do it at least 2 days before you want to take
her out. And no, asking her to meet you and your friends out doesn't
count. And don't call that day after your buddies went out of town and
you have nothing else to do. She'll smell the desperation.
Step 4: Take her to dinner. Nothing too fancy though. You go too nice
and she'll either think you're showing off or she'll be expecting it all
the time. Either way you lose. And try some place with fun atmosphere
(Monica's, for example) where you don't have to carry the conversation
the whole time. Because let's be honest, you're not that interesting and
you don't want her to know it on the first date.
Step 5: Take her home. Walk her to her door. If the date's gone well and
you have a good vibe, kiss her. And NO TONGUE! Well, not unless she
Step 6: Call her the next day. But whatever you do, DO NOT SEND FLOWERS!
Can you say desperate mama's boy? It's way too early to let her know
your issues and insecurities. Don't scare her off yet. Save that for
after you get lucky.
Step 7: Ask her out again. And let her pick the place. Make reservations
so you don't end up waiting at the bar for an hour as she gets hungrier
and you get drunker. Trust me, her getting irritable because she's
hungry and you being obnoxious because you're buzzed is a combination
GUARANTEED to lock her chastity belt.
Step 8: Take her out for date two. Since you let her pick, it'll
probably be sushi. (Don't ask me why, it just always is.) After dinner,
take her to a nice bar for some cocktails. QUIT LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS!
She already suspects you're a dog; you don't need to confirm it. And
take it easy on the drinks. This is the only 12-step program she needs
to think you're on.
Step 9: Take her home. To her place. If she invites you in, go in.
You'll probably have a little makeout session on her couch, but DO NOT
JUMP HER! You're close, but not there yet. Don't ruin it by stampeding
to the breasts or belt.
Step 10: Take her out for date three, magic time. There's anticipation
in the air. Or maybe that's just you. Did you remember deodorant? Please
tell me that's not your cologne. Take her to a nice restaurant,
something quiet and dark this time. Order a bottle of wine. Shut your
mouth for once. You have ears for a reason. Listen to her ramble on
about her high school years, her pets, her college years, her
ex-boyfriend who didn't understand her, her post-college years.
Occasionally nod and say, "I understand how you feel." When you do talk,
preface everything with "I probably shouldn't talk about this, but I
just feel so comfortable with you…"
Step 11: Take her home. To your place. And be prepared. Neat apartment,
clean bathroom (including the floor around the toilet because you know
you miss occasionally), made bed, CLEAN SHEETS! Open a bottle of wine
(and not white zinfandel, the Kool-Aid of wines.) Put on some
appropriate music. (And no Enigma. See the First Edition of Flash if you
need help with this.) Light some candles. (Be careful about putting them
too close to the bed. Remember the comforter may go flying later on, and
trust me, nothing is worse than being interrupted by the smoke alarm.
You'd be amazed at how quickly down comforters burn. And feathers
Step 12: If I have to tell what to do here, then this whole program
isn't going to work. So go ahead and send flowers after the first date.
And New Fine Arts Video is on Mockingbird.
Of course, if all this seems like too much work for you, you can always
just feed her a bunch of shots when you meet and then try to take her
For women, the steps necessary for ankles in the air fun are not nearly
as complicated as those for guys.
Step 1: Go up to a guy at a bar and say, "So, do you want to get out of
Steps 2 - 12: What part of Step 1 do you not understand?
Of course, if this is still too complicated for you, you can always let
some guy buy you a lot of shots.
As always, the views expressed here are juvenile, asinine and deranged,
and don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet,
much less Us Exposed.
- Flash -