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Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife

Me: "Hi, my name's Flash and I'm a columnist. I've been writing for nine weeks now."
Everybody: "Hi, Flash."
(It works best if you imagine yourself in a classroom sitting in a circle in an uncomfortable plastic chair with eleven people you don't know at all.)

Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?

Supposedly, the typical man thinks about sex at least once every two minutes. I guess I'm above average. And I don't know how often girls think about it, but it's not nearly often enough.

With all this thinking about sex going on, you'd think people would be better at actually getting it. Well, you'd be wrong. Why do you think we have bars? Basically, so there's a slight chance someone's drunk enough to sleep with you despite your lack of wit, style and looks.

Well, because Flash also lacks the above ingredients, I've discovered a method that is guaranteed to get you doing the midnight mambo or your money back. Since I know many of you are familiar with 12-step programs (Hi, my name's Flash and I'm an alcoholic), here's Flash's 12-step program for getting lucky.

For Him

Step 1: Go up and talk to her. If you get a good vibe, ask for her number. And no, "Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like some?" does not work. Save that for the next time you're at the Men's Club. Be real. Or as real as you can pretend to be.

Step 2: Call her within 2 days. And not at times you know she's not going to be home. I hate to tell you this, but girls are on to that trick. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You call when she's not there so she has to call you back and then you know if she's interested. Be a man and actually talk to her, not Call Notes.

Step 3: Ask her out. And do it at least 2 days before you want to take her out. And no, asking her to meet you and your friends out doesn't count. And don't call that day after your buddies went out of town and you have nothing else to do. She'll smell the desperation.

Step 4: Take her to dinner. Nothing too fancy though. You go too nice and she'll either think you're showing off or she'll be expecting it all the time. Either way you lose. And try some place with fun atmosphere (Monica's, for example) where you don't have to carry the conversation the whole time. Because let's be honest, you're not that interesting and you don't want her to know it on the first date.

Step 5: Take her home. Walk her to her door. If the date's gone well and you have a good vibe, kiss her. And NO TONGUE! Well, not unless she starts it.

Step 6: Call her the next day. But whatever you do, DO NOT SEND FLOWERS! Can you say desperate mama's boy? It's way too early to let her know your issues and insecurities. Don't scare her off yet. Save that for after you get lucky.

Step 7: Ask her out again. And let her pick the place. Make reservations so you don't end up waiting at the bar for an hour as she gets hungrier and you get drunker. Trust me, her getting irritable because she's hungry and you being obnoxious because you're buzzed is a combination GUARANTEED to lock her chastity belt.

Step 8: Take her out for date two. Since you let her pick, it'll probably be sushi. (Don't ask me why, it just always is.) After dinner, take her to a nice bar for some cocktails. QUIT LOOKING AT OTHER GIRLS! She already suspects you're a dog; you don't need to confirm it. And take it easy on the drinks. This is the only 12-step program she needs to think you're on.

Step 9: Take her home. To her place. If she invites you in, go in. You'll probably have a little makeout session on her couch, but DO NOT JUMP HER! You're close, but not there yet. Don't ruin it by stampeding to the breasts or belt.

Step 10: Take her out for date three, magic time. There's anticipation in the air. Or maybe that's just you. Did you remember deodorant? Please tell me that's not your cologne. Take her to a nice restaurant, something quiet and dark this time. Order a bottle of wine. Shut your mouth for once. You have ears for a reason. Listen to her ramble on about her high school years, her pets, her college years, her ex-boyfriend who didn't understand her, her post-college years. Occasionally nod and say, "I understand how you feel." When you do talk, preface everything with "I probably shouldn't talk about this, but I just feel so comfortable with you…"

Step 11: Take her home. To your place. And be prepared. Neat apartment, clean bathroom (including the floor around the toilet because you know you miss occasionally), made bed, CLEAN SHEETS! Open a bottle of wine (and not white zinfandel, the Kool-Aid of wines.) Put on some appropriate music. (And no Enigma. See the First Edition of Flash if you need help with this.) Light some candles. (Be careful about putting them too close to the bed. Remember the comforter may go flying later on, and trust me, nothing is worse than being interrupted by the smoke alarm. You'd be amazed at how quickly down comforters burn. And feathers everywhere.)

Step 12: If I have to tell what to do here, then this whole program isn't going to work. So go ahead and send flowers after the first date. And New Fine Arts Video is on Mockingbird.

Of course, if all this seems like too much work for you, you can always just feed her a bunch of shots when you meet and then try to take her home.

For Her

For women, the steps necessary for ankles in the air fun are not nearly as complicated as those for guys.

Step 1: Go up to a guy at a bar and say, "So, do you want to get out of here?"

Steps 2 - 12: What part of Step 1 do you not understand?

Of course, if this is still too complicated for you, you can always let some guy buy you a lot of shots.


As always, the views expressed here are juvenile, asinine and deranged, and don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.

- Flash -

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