Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife
Thanks for tuning into Channel Flash news at 10:00. Leading our show tonight, how to
survive in the quagmire that is Dallas nightlife. Our intrepid reporter Flash has the
story. Let's go to him now.
Speaking in Tongues
Have you ever listened to some of the other conversations in bars? There are enough cheesy
pickup lines to make you think Sleaze is a language. Eavesdropping does mean that you
actually have to stop talking yourself for a while, but trust me, it can be even more
entertaining than checking out the ridiculous outfits other people are wearing.
Of course, lots of bar conversations are dripping with sexual innuendo. After all, it's
not tough to figure out what he means when he says "That longneck looks good in your
hands." But many seemingly innocent conversations are also brimming with subtext.
Don't remember what subtext is from Freshman English or Psychology 101, then think reading
between the lines. Don't know what that means? Then thanks for playing. There are some
nice parting gifts at the door.
How can you learn to read between the lines, to know what the opposite sex is really
thinking? Flash is here to help. Below I've taken a typical conversation between a guy and
a girl and then added the true translation. Listen and learn.
Man: Hey. (Translation: I want to have sex with you.)
Woman: Hi. (Not in this lifetime.)
M: How you doing? (I still want to have sex with you.)
W: Fine. How are you? (Not in any other lifetime either.)
M: Not bad. (Especially if I get to have sex with you.)
W: Good to hear. (Because there's no way I'm having sex with you.)
WE INTERRUPT THIS CONVERSATION FOR THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL BULLETIN. Now
girls, I don't want you to think that guys only think about having sex with you. Watch as
the man matures, grows, and expands his horizons beyond just having sex with you as the
conversation continues. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Man: Is that your friend? (Translation: I want to have sex with your friend.)
Woman: She's my roommate. (He doesn't like her more than me, does he?)
M: I didn't know you had a roommate. (Cute girl plus cute roommate equals JACKPOT!)
W: Yeah, for a while now. (He does like her better. What's wrong with me? Aren't I cute
enough? Do I look fat in these pants?)
M: She seems nice. (I want to have sex with you AND your roommate.)
W: She's okay. How about we go someplace else? (Let's go have sex so I can keep you away
from that conniving, man-stealing bitch of a roommate.)
M: Are you sure you want to leave your roommate? (I REALLY want to have sex with you AND
W: She'll be okay. (I don't care if she falls into a pit of burning lava. The bitch
deserves it for trying to take my man.)
That's all there is to it. Of course, like Spanish, you don't become fluent in a semester.
It takes years of practice and exposure to the culture, or lack thereof. If you have any
questions, just e-mail Flash at firstname.lastname@example.org
with the bit of conversation you're confused about and I'll gladly translate it free of
charge as a public service.
As always, the views expressed here are sick, perverted and bizarre, and don't necessarily
reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.
- Flash -