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Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife

Thanks for tuning into Flash, the only columnist in town willing to sacrifice his own liver for the good of the masses. So, coming to you live from Hangover Hideout, here are the details, dirt and dope on Dallas single life. And don't worry; the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

You probably heard there was a golf tournament in town this last week. Some of you might have even believed it. If you did, you were WRONG! I'm here to tell you that the Byron Nelson golf tournament does not exist. It's a sham, a fraud, and an illusion. As fake as most of the breasts out there.

I know this is hard to believe, but we're dealing with just as bad a cover-up as that rug on Jerry Jones' head, just as big a conspiracy as the UFOs at Area 51 (the one in Nevada, not the one in Dallas where you're tripping so hard you think you see UFOs.)

Now, I know what you're saying: "But Flash, I've seen highlights on TV." FAKE! Filmed in the same studios they did the moon landings. You'd be amazed at what they can do with special effects these days. And the golfers? All actors. In fact, you might have seen that Tiger Woods guy in some commercials.

Why would they do this, you might ask. Why go to these lengths just to fake a golf tournament? Two words: Booze and Breasts.

Like topless bars, the Byron has discovered that sex and alcohol is the magic combination to bring in big bank. The good news is that at least they're doing it for a good cause. The Byron is a charity function and consistently ranks among the top in donations for all PGA tournaments.

But if this were really a golf tournament, why would they need the Pavilion? People would be out watching golf, not drinking at the world's largest outdoor meat market. And they definitely want you to stay in the Pavilion too, since they only allow alcohol there. Why? Because they're afraid if you leave the Pavilion you'll figure out what I already know. THERE IS NO TOURNAMENT! It's all just an elaborate excuse for a big money making, beer drinking, and breast-watching fiesta.

In fact, the Byron is so much about the babes, beer and breasts, that the fake tournament they spend so much time and money recreating digitally (because everything's digital these days) at the Studios of Las Colinas doesn't even make the top five favorite pastimes at the Byron. The favorite pastimes are actually:

1. Checking out the opposite sex
2. Drinking
3. Showing off the new outfit, new breasts, new whatever
4. More drinking
5. Taking an outdoor sauna with 5,000 of your closest friends (Friday only this year)
6. More scamming on the opposite sex
7. Getting some guy named George to take your picture
8. Golf

Now, according to the paper and TV (ALL PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!), Jesper Parnevik won the "tournament" at 11 under par, beating Phil Mickelson and Davis Love III in a playoff. (Note to Davis: When your last name is Love, you might want to go with a more masculine name than Davis. And the III part? You're just asking someone to beat the crap out of you. Note to Jesper: With that funky hat you shouldn't be wearing pink pants. You're just asking someone to beat the crap out of you. Note to Phil: How could you not beat the crap out of these other two guys?)

Now I don't believe that score since I know there wasn't really a tournament, but if that's what THE MAN (always keeping us down) is going to say is the official scorecard of the tournament, then here's Flash's unofficial scorecard of the Byron.

Number of girls with fake breasts NOT wearing halter-tops:    Zero

Number of guys reduced to blithering idiots at the sight of breasts in a halter-top: All of them. Actually, most of them were blithering idiots to begin with.

Number of people who actually watched golf: Fifteen, but ten of them only did it because they were so wasted they took a wrong turn out of the Pavilion bathrooms.

Number of girls wearing Daisy Dukes who had no business showing off anything below the waist: I don't know for sure. I went blind after ten.

Number of guys whose hair never moved despite the 30 mile per hour winds and scorching heat: All of them. Except the ones wearing hats to cover the bald spot.

Humidity level on Friday: 115%. Now, a weatherman might tell you that 100% is as high as humidity can go. DON'T BELIEVE THEM! If you saw people's faces melting like I did (or maybe it was just their makeup), you'd know that the laws of physics have no bearing on the Byron. (Just like the laws of gravity have no effect on most of the breasts out there.)

Number of people who went straight from the Byron to the Gypsy Tea Room on Saturday: I didn't count them, but I could smell them.

And Another Thing

If you think the Byron is a big party, you need to try the other world renowned party stop on the PGA Tour, the Phoenix Open. Make your travel plans today for January 25 - 28, 2001.

As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less US Exposed.

- Flash -


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