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Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife

Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Flash, the column dedicated to exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife. Today we're once again giving helpful hints on how to survive in the jungle of Dallas single life. And don't worry, no names. You know who you are.

Cheese Whiz

For those of you who read the last column, you know that we discussed how guys can tell if the girl they're dating is a stripper. In the interest of fairness, and to prevent any important parts of my anatomy from being cut off, I promised that in the next column I would talk about how girls can tell if the guy they're dating is a Velveeta King. So, as an equal opportunity jackass, here goes.

According to official statistics, Dallas's population is 50% men and 50% women. Of course, given the geniuses I've seen walking around doing the census, I doubt they even know the difference between men and women. Nonetheless, if you've been out in Dallas, you know that the real ratio is more like 80% guys and 20% women. At least it seems that way at Zubar on a Friday night.

And if you're a girl out in Dallas, you know that 80% of those guys out at Zubar and other places are cheeseballs. In fact, most of them go beyond cheesy. Maybe it's something in the water, but Dallas is home to the Velveeta King. You know whom I'm talking about. That short spiky hair held in place with a bottle of gel. A tan even in December. The sideburns. Drives a Lexus despite the fact he has no furniture in his apartment. Spends half his time at the Men's Club.

Now, let me guess what's on your mind. Flash, how do I know if that cute boy with the sexy spiky haircut is a cheese whiz? Well, if he lives in Dallas, he probably is. But for those that need a little more convincing, I've prepared a little take home quiz to help you figure it out. And remember, be honest.

1) His first words to you were:
A)    Do you want to go home with me?
B)    Are you sure you don't want to go home with me?
C)    You might as well go home with me because I'm going to have you whether you're there or not.

2) After he got your number, he:
A)   Called three days later so you wouldn't catch a whiff of the desperation in his perspiration.
B)   Didn't call because he only asked hoping it would increase his chances of taking you home that       night.
C)   Called you at 2:30 that night wanting to come over.

3) When he called and left a message, he:
A)    Left a 972 number.
B)    Left a 972 number but said that Addison Circle isn't really like the rest of 972.
D)    Left his cell phone number so his live-in girlfriend won't know you're calling.

4) On your first date, he:
A)   Took you out on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday so it didn't interfere with his Thursday, his       weekend, or Sunday at the Goose.
B)    Took you to Mi Cocina, fed you four Mambo Taxis and tried to take you home.
C)    Date? He never asks you out. He just feeds you shots when he runs into you and tries to take        you home.

5)    His ex-girlfriend is:
A) A stripper. But don't worry, he's over her.
B) A stripper with a fatal attraction. But don't worry, he's over her, but she's not over him.
C) Well, actually he's still dating the stripper. But don't worry, it's basically over.

Now let's add it up. Give yourself one point for each question you answered with an A, two points for each question you answered with a B, and three points for each question you answered with a C. Total your score and see how he rates on the Velveetameter below.

0 Points:    Congratulations, you're dating a gay man. Don't be fooled when he says he lives close to Uptown. It's Oaklawn. And he doesn't just go to Village to dance. But if you're looking for someone to help you accessorize and decorate, you go girl.

1 to 5 points:    He's straight, but can you say Mama's boy. Despite what he says, having a picture of his mom on the nightstand is not normal or healthy. At least he's good for long walks in the park and deep, meaningful conversations. But don't expect him to pump up the volume in bed. In fact, don't expect much pumping at all.

6 to 10 points:    Hopefully you like a little cheese in your diet because almost every guy in Dallas falls into this category. Not that that's all bad. After all, Dallas girls, for whatever reason, like bad boys. He treats you bad, you love him. He treats you worse, you love him even more. So unless you're prepared to date Richie Cunningham from the category above this, say hello to Chucky Cheese.

11 to 15 points:    A true Velveeta King. In fact, add rotel tomatoes and you have great queso. He'd be embarrassed by what he says to you except he has no self-awareness. He'd feel bad for how he treats you except he doesn't have a heart. Back off now and let the stripper ex-girlfriend have him. They deserve each other.


Don't forget Flash's 4th Annual Safari party on May 6th. Details available at Up & Coming.

As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.

- Flash -


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