Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife
Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Flash, the column dedicated to exposing the
seamy underside of Dallas nightlife. Today we're once again giving helpful hints on how to
survive in the jungle of Dallas single life. And don't worry, no names. You know who you
For those of you who read the last column, you know that we discussed how guys can tell if
the girl they're dating is a stripper. In the interest of fairness, and to prevent any
important parts of my anatomy from being cut off, I promised that in the next column I
would talk about how girls can tell if the guy they're dating is a Velveeta King. So, as
an equal opportunity jackass, here goes.
According to official statistics, Dallas's population is 50% men and 50% women. Of course,
given the geniuses I've seen walking around doing the census, I doubt they even know the
difference between men and women. Nonetheless, if you've been out in Dallas, you know that
the real ratio is more like 80% guys and 20% women. At least it seems that way at Zubar on
a Friday night.
And if you're a girl out in Dallas, you know that 80% of those guys out at Zubar and other
places are cheeseballs. In fact, most of them go beyond cheesy. Maybe it's something in
the water, but Dallas is home to the Velveeta King. You know whom I'm talking about. That
short spiky hair held in place with a bottle of gel. A tan even in December. The
sideburns. Drives a Lexus despite the fact he has no furniture in his apartment. Spends
half his time at the Men's Club.
Now, let me guess what's on your mind. Flash, how do I know if that cute boy with the sexy
spiky haircut is a cheese whiz? Well, if he lives in Dallas, he probably is. But for those
that need a little more convincing, I've prepared a little take home quiz to help you
figure it out. And remember, be honest.
1) His first words to you were:
A) Do you want to go home with me?
B) Are you sure you don't want to go home with me?
C) You might as well go home with me because I'm going to have you
whether you're there or not.
2) After he got your number, he:
A) Called three days later so you wouldn't catch a whiff of the desperation in
B) Didn't call because he only asked hoping it would increase his chances of
taking you home that night.
C) Called you at 2:30 that night wanting to come over.
3) When he called and left a message, he:
A) Left a 972 number.
B) Left a 972 number but said that Addison Circle isn't really like the
rest of 972.
D) Left his cell phone number so his live-in girlfriend won't know
4) On your first date, he:
A) Took you out on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday so it didn't interfere with
his Thursday, his weekend, or Sunday at the Goose.
B) Took you to Mi Cocina, fed you four Mambo Taxis and tried to take you
C) Date? He never asks you out. He just feeds you shots when he runs
into you and tries to take you home.
5) His ex-girlfriend is:
A) A stripper. But don't worry, he's over her.
B) A stripper with a fatal attraction. But don't worry, he's over her, but she's not over
C) Well, actually he's still dating the stripper. But don't worry, it's basically over.
Now let's add it up. Give yourself one point for each question you answered with an A, two
points for each question you answered with a B, and three points for each question you
answered with a C. Total your score and see how he rates on the Velveetameter below.
0 Points: Congratulations, you're dating a gay man. Don't be fooled when
he says he lives close to Uptown. It's Oaklawn. And he doesn't just go to Village to
dance. But if you're looking for someone to help you accessorize and decorate, you go
1 to 5 points: He's straight, but can you say Mama's boy. Despite what
he says, having a picture of his mom on the nightstand is not normal or healthy. At least
he's good for long walks in the park and deep, meaningful conversations. But don't expect
him to pump up the volume in bed. In fact, don't expect much pumping at all.
6 to 10 points: Hopefully you like a little cheese in your diet because
almost every guy in Dallas falls into this category. Not that that's all bad. After all,
Dallas girls, for whatever reason, like bad boys. He treats you bad, you love him. He
treats you worse, you love him even more. So unless you're prepared to date Richie
Cunningham from the category above this, say hello to Chucky Cheese.
11 to 15 points: A true Velveeta King. In fact, add rotel tomatoes and
you have great queso. He'd be embarrassed by what he says to you except he has no
self-awareness. He'd feel bad for how he treats you except he doesn't have a heart. Back
off now and let the stripper ex-girlfriend have him. They deserve each other.
Don't forget Flash's 4th Annual Safari party on May 6th. Details available at Up &
As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on
the planet, much less Us Exposed.
- Flash -