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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Youíve heard of the saying, a friend in need is a friend indeed.  Or as they say on Planet Dallas, a friend in need is why you have Caller ID.

With Friends Like TheseÖ

I ran into a good friend last night on Greenville.  His name isÖ  Itís aÖ  Wait a minute, Iíll remember it in a second. Well, maybe you know him.  Heís about six feet, short spiky messed up hair, lots of gel.  Actually, that probably doesnít narrow it down very much.  Blonde highlightsÖ  Still nothing, huh?

Well, regardless, whatís-his-name is a good friend.  I know because he says hi to me every time I see him at Go.  And if heís really wasted, he gives me a hug.  Once he even kissed me on the cheek, like Tony Soprano or something.  Iím assuming it was the G.

I donít know his phone number either, though heís always telling me to call him, we need to "go hit it.Ē  I donít know where heís from, but I assume itís not from Texas.  No oneís actually from Planet Dallas are they?  And he is always talking about his boys out in LA.  Or is it New York?

Now that I think about it, I know a lot of John Díoh!s (apologies to Homer Simpson) on Planet D.  Kodak may have invented the disposable camera, but Planet Dallas is home to the disposable friend.  Just like the camera you donít mind taking them out on the town because you donít really care if you lose them.

So, how can you tell if your bar buddy is a real friend or just 24 exposures with flash?  Well, if youíre wondering, thatís probably not a good sign.  But, just to be sure, Iíve prepared a little take home quiz to help you figure it out.

1) You first met him:

A)   years ago in college.

B)    months ago when you were buying a drink and overheard him bitching about his psycho ex and realized it was your psycho ex.

C)    weeks ago when you shared a bump in the bathroom at Seven.


  2) When youíre both interested in the same chiquita, he:

A)       tells her what a great guy you are.

B)       conveniently slips a reference to your girlfriend into the conversation.

C)        waits until youíre in the bathroom to tell her how really sad it is you got the big H from your ex-girlfriend.


    3) If you had money problems, he would:

A)       lend you the money if he had it.

B)       buy the drinks the next time you go out.

C)        money from him?  Hell, he still owes you for that X last weekend.


     4) If he ran into your girlfriend who was extremely drunk, heíd:

A)      send her home safely in a cab and leave you a message about it that night.

B)      let her keep drinking and watch her stumble home with some Velveeta King.  And tell you about it the next day.

C)     buy her shots and take her home himself.  And let you find out when you run into them out together.


      5) If he was talking to some chiquita and saw some drunk Goliath about to go medieval on your ass, heíd:

A)       leave her to help you out.

B)       how big is Goliath again?  You can take him yourself, right?  Thereís no need to leave the hottie, is there?

C)      on second thought, it really doesnít matter how big Goliath is, because the chiquita is so hot, heís not going anywhere.

Now letís add it up.  Give yourself one point for each question you answered with an A, two points for each question you answered with a B, and three points for each question you answered with a C.  Total your score and see just what kind of friend you have.


1 to 5 points:                Yeah right.  On Planet Dallas?  Youíre either in denial or a dumbshit.  No wonder you have no friends. 

6 to 10 points:              Say hello to John Díoh!  This is as good as you can expect on Planet D.  And he probably just moved here.  Give him a few months to acclimate and then read the next category.

  11 to 15 points:          And you thought this guy was your friend?  Sounds more like your drug dealer.  But donít feel bad.  Given enough time on Planet Dallas, everyone ends up here, even you.  So, you can either move, or get used to playing Survivor III, Planet Dallas style.


As always, the views expressed here are vicious, vile and vulgar, and donít necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.

 - Flash -



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