Exposing the seamy underside
of D/FW nightlife
Star date 01.01.01.
The search for intelligent life on Planet Dallas has ended.
Unsuccessfully I am unhappy to report.
Despite high hopes to the contrary, it appears the
atmosphere on Planet Dallas is insufficient to support cerebral
continuing the search on another planet.
A Place Oddity
Welcome to the first Flash
of 2001 and the first Flash of the “official” new millennium.
Now that everyone’s had time to break their New Year’s
resolutions, it’s time to get down to the important stuff:
What will Planet Dallas be like in 2001 and in the new
Well, you’re in luck.
With the unlimited budget afforded me by UsExposed, and
with the assistance of several of the Men’s Club’s brightest
minds, I developed a time machine to allow me to go into the
future and answer these important questions for you.
Setting the coordinates for
12.31.01, I bravely ventured off.
What did I find? Read
and be amazed at what happens in 2001.
Leaving Cuba Libre, Mark
Cuban makes a wrong turn and is mugged by hooligans wearing
striped shirts yelling “You don’t like officials?
How do you like this.”
They get away with a Rolex and $50,000 in cash.
From his hospital bed, Cuban says “It was only pocket
change. Besides, you
can’t beat the publicity.”
Strict enforcement of the
no touching ordinance shuts down half the topless bars.
The five non-strippers in town rejoice, until they realize
their husbands/boyfriends are going to be home every night.
They immediately begin a campaign to loosen the standards.
A certain star quarterback
returns for the 2001 season.
In the first game he gets slammed to the turf and suffers
yet another concussion. From
his hospital bed he says “I haven’t been hit that hard since
the last time I was in the bathroom at JRs.”
His spokesman later claims that he was confused from the
concussion and misquoted.
City Streets - I mean Times
Square closes down and is set to reopen as Any Name That Might
Make Us Sound Less Cheesy, just in time for New Years 2005.
The surviving topless bars
have such a surplus of dancers that they begin having them compete
in a battle royale every night to see who gets to work.
These competitions become the basis for a new FOX reality
show called Cat Fight Nights.
successfully block the Dallas City Council from passing an
ordinance banning after hour clubs.
They immediately celebrate by having a bash at Seven where
so many people attend that the Fire Marshall shuts Seven down
permanently for violating their occupancy permit.
The Cowboys finish the
season 1 and 15, winning only the last game of the season in a 3
to nothing thriller over Arizona.
After the game, Jerry Jones said they did it for their
still mysteriously ill star quarterback. From his hospital bed, their stricken quarterback says “I
haven’t been this happy since that nice little orderly paid me a
visit last night.” His spokesman later claims that he was still
confused from the concussion and misquoted.
The decline in the number
of working topless dancers wreaks economic havoc across the
Boutique goes out of business. DJs resort to standing on street corners holding “Will Talk
in Fake Deep Voice for Food” signs.
Plastic surgeons are forced to trade in their Mercedes SLs
for BMWs. One even
has to pull his kids out of private school.
Yahoo stock plummets,
cutting Mark Cuban’s fortune in half, to a mere one billion
contacted at NBA headquarters in New York City where he was busy
paying his latest fine for accosting the Rockets mascot after a
particularly disappointing halftime show, he said “It won’t
change who I am. Besides,
think of the publicity.”
Jerry Jones fires the
entire coaching staff and cuts every player except Emmitt Smith.
Yet at the news conference announcing the changes, he
swears “Our Super Bowl chances next year are as real as the hair
on my head.”
The views expressed here
are based on my observations while traveling through time.
However, they do not necessarily reflect the views of Us