Exposing the seamy underside of D/FW nightlife

Star date 01.01.01.  The search for intelligent life on Planet Dallas has ended.  Unsuccessfully I am unhappy to report.  Despite high hopes to the contrary, it appears the atmosphere on Planet Dallas is insufficient to support cerebral development.  Recommend continuing the search on another planet.

2001, A Place Oddity  

Welcome to the first Flash of 2001 and the first Flash of the “official” new millennium.  Now that everyone’s had time to break their New Year’s resolutions, it’s time to get down to the important stuff:  What will Planet Dallas be like in 2001 and in the new millennium?

Well, you’re in luck.  With the unlimited budget afforded me by UsExposed, and with the assistance of several of the Men’s Club’s brightest minds, I developed a time machine to allow me to go into the future and answer these important questions for you.

Setting the coordinates for 12.31.01, I bravely ventured off.  What did I find?  Read and be amazed at what happens in 2001.

Leaving Cuba Libre, Mark Cuban makes a wrong turn and is mugged by hooligans wearing striped shirts yelling “You don’t like officials?  How do you like this.”  They get away with a Rolex and $50,000 in cash.  From his hospital bed, Cuban says “It was only pocket change.  Besides, you can’t beat the publicity.”

Strict enforcement of the no touching ordinance shuts down half the topless bars.  The five non-strippers in town rejoice, until they realize their husbands/boyfriends are going to be home every night.  They immediately begin a campaign to loosen the standards.

A certain star quarterback returns for the 2001 season.  In the first game he gets slammed to the turf and suffers yet another concussion.  From his hospital bed he says “I haven’t been hit that hard since the last time I was in the bathroom at JRs.”  His spokesman later claims that he was confused from the concussion and misquoted.

City Streets - I mean Times Square closes down and is set to reopen as Any Name That Might Make Us Sound Less Cheesy, just in time for New Years 2005.

The surviving topless bars have such a surplus of dancers that they begin having them compete in a battle royale every night to see who gets to work.  These competitions become the basis for a new FOX reality show called Cat Fight Nights.

Planet Dallasites successfully block the Dallas City Council from passing an ordinance banning after hour clubs.  They immediately celebrate by having a bash at Seven where so many people attend that the Fire Marshall shuts Seven down permanently for violating their occupancy permit.

The Cowboys finish the season 1 and 15, winning only the last game of the season in a 3 to nothing thriller over Arizona.  After the game, Jerry Jones said they did it for their still mysteriously ill star quarterback.  From his hospital bed, their stricken quarterback says “I haven’t been this happy since that nice little orderly paid me a visit last night.” His spokesman later claims that he was still confused from the concussion and misquoted.

The decline in the number of working topless dancers wreaks economic havoc across the metroplex.  Electrique Boutique goes out of business.  DJs resort to standing on street corners holding “Will Talk in Fake Deep Voice for Food” signs.  Plastic surgeons are forced to trade in their Mercedes SLs for BMWs.  One even has to pull his kids out of private school.

Yahoo stock plummets, cutting Mark Cuban’s fortune in half, to a mere one billion dollars.  When contacted at NBA headquarters in New York City where he was busy paying his latest fine for accosting the Rockets mascot after a particularly disappointing halftime show, he said “It won’t change who I am.  Besides, think of the publicity.”

Jerry Jones fires the entire coaching staff and cuts every player except Emmitt Smith.  Yet at the news conference announcing the changes, he swears “Our Super Bowl chances next year are as real as the hair on my head.”

P.S.

The views expressed here are based on my observations while traveling through time.  However, they do not necessarily reflect the views of Us Exposed.

 

- Flash -

flash@usexposed.com