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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Warning:  The Surgeon General has determined that living on Planet Dallas can be hazardous to your health.  Prolonged exposure has been proven to cause stunted emotional growth, superficiality, and alcoholism in laboratory animals, chiquitas and Velveeta Kings.

One Flu in the Cuckooís Nest

Thereís a virus spreading rapidly through Planet Dallas.  And no, Iím not talking about the one thatís supposedly a sore (or many sores) subject for a certain tattooed former basketball player.  And I donít mean the Booze Flu, that common malady that always seems to strike on Thursday night and keeps you from going to work on Friday.

Iím not talking about the many computer viruses that have been making the e-mail rounds lately (proving that some people will open any file on the slim chance it might be porn.)  And I donít mean the real flu, which while a pain in the ass, is at least a good excuse to miss a few days of work.

No, Iím talking about a much more dangerous disease: a bug that infects your mind and affects your senses.  It is the View Flu, an insidious sickness that slowly warps your view of reality until it has completely eroded your sense of morals and taste.

How does the disease work?  Scientists arenít sure but early research indicates that the virus spreads slowly through the brain, altering your perception of reality until it finally seems perfectly normal to see forty five year old men with girls who still canít get into Zubar without a fake ID.

 No one is sure yet how the virus spreads but suspicions are that it is airborne since it spreads so widely and quickly.  In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, anyone within thirty miles of Go Lounge is considered at risk.

How can you tell if youíve been infected by this hideous disease?  Well, there are a numerous symptoms to watch out for.  Be concerned if you think more than one of the following is normal:

1)            Bleaching your hair a color only an albino could call natural.

2)         Leasing a $40,000 Lexus despite not having any furniture in your apartment

3)         Feeling the urge to take off your clothes anytime you see a twenty dollar bill.

4)         Doing a bump of coke to sober up after a long drunken evening so you can safely drive home.

5)         Hoping to find the girl of your dreams at the Menís Club.

6)            Implanting more CCs of saline than you scored on your SAT.

If youíre afraid youíve been infected, there is unfortunately no cure.  But there are a couple things you can do to help mitigate the effects of the disease.  The easiest thing is to move off Planet Dallas.  With time, distance, and years of therapy you will eventually remember again that saline also comes in contact solution, Coke comes in a can and zebra prints belong in a zoo. 

But if you canít just pack up and leave, there is another, though less effective, way to alleviate the symptoms: quit hanging out at titty bars.  The concentrations of virus (as well as Velveeta and saline) are so high there that itís impossible to get better.

Of course, if youíre happy seeing Planet Dallas through rose-colored glasses Ė and given the reality, who can blame you Ė then just take two tabs of X and call me in the morning after whatever day it is that you actually sleep.


The views expressed here may have been affected by a bout with the View Flu so I shouldnít be held responsible for what Iíve said and neither should Us Exposed.

- Flash -




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