FLASH
Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
In response to the
occasional comments I get that Flash is too cynical and too negative, I
have decided to turn over a new leaf.
From now on I’m going to be positive and see if that improves
anything. So, I’m just
going to close my eyes and think happy thoughts… happy thoughts…
happy thoughts… Okay,
let’s open the eyes and see if everything’s better.
Nope, still in Dallas.
All
the World’s a Stage
Planet Dallas is a great place to
be single. It’s full of
single, successful, attractive people who like to socialize.
Planet D is also a great place to
stay single. As in forever. As is good luck finding someone to have a healthy
relationship with. It’s
full of single, successful, attractive people who don’t like to
commit. Or who should be
committed.
With a long tem relationship on
Planet D meaning you get to spend the night, many people are unfamiliar
with the numerous phases a relationship goes through after the one-night
stand. Never fear, though. Flash
is here to guide you through some of the various stages of relationship
hell.
Stage
1 – The First Week: Most
relationships start when you wake up the morning after a drunken night
out and are pleasantly surprised to find out that the person you hooked
up with isn’t hideous. So,
you lend/borrow some smoke-free daytime clothes and head to Breadwinners
to reconstruct the previous evening with your new Possibility.
Breakfast goes well enough that you make plans for dinner later
in the week. And now here
you are, with the Possibility for the first time when you’re not drunk
or hungover. So you quickly order a bottle of wine to rectify the
situation.
Stage
2 – the First Month: You
survived dinner and the Possibility has moved to a Maybe.
Your friends hear about it and immediately have one question:
Does your Maybe have any hot friends?
The girls ask because they’re hoping they can land a Maybe too.
The guys ask because they want to dance the midnight mambo.
Inevitably, one of your friends hooks up with one of Maybe’s
friends. But lightning
doesn’t strike twice. Instead,
disaster strikes when he thinks it’s a roll in the hay and she thinks
it’s a relationship. The
good news is your Maybe is perfect.
You wouldn’t change a thing about them.
Everything is bliss. You
don’t even check out other people.
Stage
3 – Month 2: Since
your friends now can’t stand each other, you arrange guys/girls nights
out. However, you can never get it to work where your friends are
going out the same night as Maybe’s friends.
So you end up blowing off your friends to spend time with Maybe
and their friends. But
that’s okay because you always spend time with your friends.
Besides, you’re getting to know Maybe.
Speaking of getting to know them, you never noticed before that
their nose whistled when they laugh.
It’s so cute. And
speaking of cute, did you see the person who just walked by.
Not that you’re interested, but window shopping never hurt.
Stage
4 – Month 3: Who knew
they laughed so much? And
what causes the whistling anyhow? Did
they break their nose sometime? It
probably wouldn’t bother you so much except you’ve now spent 13
consecutive days together, and 25 of the last 31.
It’s been so long since you’ve seen your friends that you
have to look up their numbers to beg them to go out with you so you can
MEET SOMEONE NEW! Because
your Maybe has become an Until, as in Until you find something better.
You’re giving out and getting numbers at lunch, at the gym,
anywhere you’re not with Until. You
even start picking fights with Until in a desperate attempt to find an
excuse to end it.
Stage
5 – The Breakup: If
they laugh one more time with that damn whistle you’re going to see if
breaking their nose again will fix it.
They’re no longer an Until.
They’re now Over. No excuses needed anymore, you just end it.
You celebrate by going out with your friends for the first time
in two months and go home with someone who, no matter how hot they are,
how normal their laugh is, will never be a Possibility, a Maybe, or
anything but a Hookup.
Stage
6 – Post Mortem: You
didn’t think it ended with the breakup did you?
Oh no, that would be way too easy.
You still have months of running into your ex, angry messages,
booty calls, and stalking to go through.
How long does it take to wash the relationship residue off?
According to Flash’s Theory of Relationship Relativity (which
isn’t that you shouldn’t have a relationship with a relative, though
that is a good rule of thumb), the Estimated time equals the Months you
dated multiplied by your ex’s Craziness squared, or E=MC2.
P.S.
The depressing, disheartening and
dismal opinions expressed here probably reflect the views of anyone
who’s lived on Planet D for more than a year, but not necessarily Us
Exposed.
- Flash
-
flash@usexposed.com
