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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

In response to the occasional comments I get that Flash is too cynical and too negative, I have decided to turn over a new leaf.  From now on I’m going to be positive and see if that improves anything.  So, I’m just going to close my eyes and think happy thoughts… happy thoughts… happy thoughts…  Okay, let’s open the eyes and see if everything’s better.  Nope, still in Dallas.

All the World’s a Stage

Planet Dallas is a great place to be single.  It’s full of single, successful, attractive people who like to socialize.

Planet D is also a great place to stay single.  As in forever.  As is good luck finding someone to have a healthy relationship with.  It’s full of single, successful, attractive people who don’t like to commit.  Or who should be committed.

With a long tem relationship on Planet D meaning you get to spend the night, many people are unfamiliar with the numerous phases a relationship goes through after the one-night stand.  Never fear, though.  Flash is here to guide you through some of the various stages of relationship hell.

Stage 1 – The First Week:  Most relationships start when you wake up the morning after a drunken night out and are pleasantly surprised to find out that the person you hooked up with isn’t hideous.  So, you lend/borrow some smoke-free daytime clothes and head to Breadwinners to reconstruct the previous evening with your new Possibility.  Breakfast goes well enough that you make plans for dinner later in the week.  And now here you are, with the Possibility for the first time when you’re not drunk or hungover.  So you quickly order a bottle of wine to rectify the situation.

Stage 2 – the First Month:  You survived dinner and the Possibility has moved to a Maybe.  Your friends hear about it and immediately have one question:  Does your Maybe have any hot friends?  The girls ask because they’re hoping they can land a Maybe too.  The guys ask because they want to dance the midnight mambo.  Inevitably, one of your friends hooks up with one of Maybe’s friends.  But lightning doesn’t strike twice.  Instead, disaster strikes when he thinks it’s a roll in the hay and she thinks it’s a relationship.  The good news is your Maybe is perfect.  You wouldn’t change a thing about them.  Everything is bliss.  You don’t even check out other people.

Stage 3 – Month 2:  Since your friends now can’t stand each other, you arrange guys/girls nights out.  However, you can never get it to work where your friends are going out the same night as Maybe’s friends.  So you end up blowing off your friends to spend time with Maybe and their friends.  But that’s okay because you always spend time with your friends.  Besides, you’re getting to know Maybe.  Speaking of getting to know them, you never noticed before that their nose whistled when they laugh.  It’s so cute.  And speaking of cute, did you see the person who just walked by.  Not that you’re interested, but window shopping never hurt.

Stage 4 – Month 3:  Who knew they laughed so much?  And what causes the whistling anyhow?  Did they break their nose sometime?  It probably wouldn’t bother you so much except you’ve now spent 13 consecutive days together, and 25 of the last 31.  It’s been so long since you’ve seen your friends that you have to look up their numbers to beg them to go out with you so you can MEET SOMEONE NEW!  Because your Maybe has become an Until, as in Until you find something better.  You’re giving out and getting numbers at lunch, at the gym, anywhere you’re not with Until.  You even start picking fights with Until in a desperate attempt to find an excuse to end it.

Stage 5 – The Breakup:  If they laugh one more time with that damn whistle you’re going to see if breaking their nose again will fix it.  They’re no longer an Until.  They’re now Over.  No excuses needed anymore, you just end it.  You celebrate by going out with your friends for the first time in two months and go home with someone who, no matter how hot they are, how normal their laugh is, will never be a Possibility, a Maybe, or anything but a Hookup.

Stage 6 – Post Mortem:  You didn’t think it ended with the breakup did you?  Oh no, that would be way too easy.  You still have months of running into your ex, angry messages, booty calls, and stalking to go through.  How long does it take to wash the relationship residue off?  According to Flash’s Theory of Relationship Relativity (which isn’t that you shouldn’t have a relationship with a relative, though that is a good rule of thumb), the Estimated time equals the Months you dated multiplied by your ex’s Craziness squared, or E=MC2. 


The depressing, disheartening and dismal opinions expressed here probably reflect the views of anyone who’s lived on Planet D for more than a year, but not necessarily Us Exposed.

- Flash -



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