FLASH

 

Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Are you feeling lonely?  Have you been hurt by a loved one?  Does Planet Dallas got you down?  If so, send that cry for help to Flash at flash@usexposed.com.  Remember, I’m here to help.

 Dear Crabby

Over the months I’ve been writing this column, I’ve received countless e-mails asking for advice on numerous subjects.  Each letter received a thoughtful, painstakingly-crafted response utilizing my many years of professional experience.  Or they got whatever my hungover brain could come up within thirty seconds.

Regardless, I’ve compiled several of the e-mails on the most common topics below.  Hopefully, these can be of help to someone out there too afraid to write themselves.

 Dear Flash: 

My boyfriend wants me to get a boob job.  I want to make him happy, but I don’t know if I should do it or not.  What do you think?

 - Flat in Fort Worth -

 Dear Flat:

The first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you have a big ass?  If you do, you probably need the enhancement to balance it out.  After all, it’s much easier than working out or eating healthy.  But assuming you don’t have a fat ass, you should do what you want to do, not what you think will make him happy.  After all, he’s just as likely to dump you for a stripper whether you get the enlargement or not.  But, considering you’re insecure enough to write me about it, I’m sure I’ll see you soon with two new friends and wearing tight sweaters.

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 Dear Flash:

Every time I meet someone I like, it always seems like they’ve been with one of my friends or they know one of my exes.  Is there any way to find someone who hasn’t been with someone I know?

 - Lonely in Lewisville -

 Dear Lonely:

Move.  There’s more incest on Planet Dallas than in all of Arkansas.   So get used to sloppy seconds, psycho exes stalking your new love, and friends hitting on your exes.  Or you can move to somewhere with a bigger social scene.  Like Little Rock.

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 Dear Flash:

My boyfriend always hangs out at topless bars.  It didn’t used to bother me, but now it seems like it’s all the time.  What should I do?

 - Hurt in Highland Park -

 Dear Hurt:

Ask him to stop visiting you at work.  Or if you’re one of the five girls on Planet Dallas who doesn’t dance, tell him it bothers you.  It won’t stop him from going, but at least he’ll start lying about it so you no longer know he’s going.  Then it won’t bother you.  After all, ignorance is bliss (or merely ignorant.)  And if he doesn’t come home one night after being out with the boys, I’m sure he just crashed on his friend’s couch.

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 Dear Flash:

My girlfriend still talks to and occasionally sees her ex.  She says they’re just friends, but I’m beginning to wonder.  Am I just being paranoid?

 - Anxious in Addison -

 Dear Anxious:

It’s not paranoia if she’s really stepping out on you.  So unless it ended because he came out of the closet, wake up and smell the infidelity.  Or at least the co-dependency.  Either way it’s not good.  Of course it does give you an excuse for that drunken late night hookup with your ex.  And the 2 months of calls and stalking that go along with it.

 P.S.

The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of Us Exposed, and definitely do not reflect any kind of professional psychiatric or psychological training.  In fact, they probably reflect some kind of dark, deep-seated psychological or psychiatric problem.

- Flash -

flash@usexposed.com