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 Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Welcome to Flash, where honesty is always the best policy - unless you’re talking to your chiquita about your sexual history.  Then honesty is stupidity.  Or suicide.  Or insane.  Or…

It Must Be That New Math

Have you ever been dancing the midnight mambo with your chiquita and it’s going so well you just know you would have kicked John Travolta’s ass in Saturday Night Fever? You even pull off that new move you’ve been saving up and send your chiquita to the moon.  The Flying Wallendas would be proud.  And the ceiling fan is still working.

She’s glowing.  You’re feeling pretty good about yourself.  Everything’s perfect.  And then she starts to talk.

 “Whew.  That was nice.”

 You nod and grunt a little.  You don’t want to brag.

 “You must have done that before.”

You don’t answer.  Not because alarm bells are going off like they should be, but because you’re 30 seconds away from going from a Flying Wallenda to a Sleeping Beauty.

 “So how many times have you done it?”

 Now you’re awake.  You think, did I hear her right?

 “Well, not how many times have you done THAT.  How many times have you done IT?  With different girls?”

You heard her right.  You think about trying to pretend you’re asleep, but she sees you close your eyes.


You’re caught.  How did you go from falling asleep to falling in a trap?  What do you do?

 Listen to Flash.  LIE!

 I don’t care if you’re always honest with her.  I don’t care if you’re in a relationship.  Answering questions like this is why relationships end.

First, you definitely don’t want to say the number you tell your buddies in the locker room.  They may be impressed.  She won’t be.  It will just insure that she no longer adds to your total.  Besides, we all know the number you tell your friends includes:

1)                  Every chiquita you’ve had sex with.

2)                  Every chiquita you think you could have had sex but didn’t.  (I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to pass out on you.  Aren’t you a morning person?)

3)                  Every chiquita who went south of the border.

4)                  The time your girlfriend left her Victoria’s Secret catalog at your place.

Second, despite the temptation, do not answer with too low a number.  Doing so risks her thinking “what am I doing with him if only that many girls wanted to be with him?"  Or even worse, she’ll wonder if any issues you may have in the bedroom are because you’re just getting used to each other or because you just don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

So what do you tell her?  Follow Flash’s Frolic Formula for the answer.

Step 1:  Take your age and subtract 16.  (This gives you the approximate number of years you’ve been sexually active.  If you weren’t sexually active by time you were 16 - 17, you should have been you loser so use it.  If you were sexually active at 13, good for you, but cousins don’t count so still use 16.)

Step 2:  Subtract the number of years you’ve had girlfriends.  (This takes out the number of years you were supposedly off the market.  I know that never stopped you but she doesn’t need to know that.)

Step 3:  Multiply the result by 2.  (She can’t blame you for hooking up a couple times a year, can she?  The fact that it’s a couple times a month you can keep to yourself.)

Step 4:  Add the number of girlfriends you’ve had.  (Even the psycho ones, as much as you’d like to forget them.)

So, if you’re 28 years old with 5 girlfriends for 3 years, you’d tell her 23.  (28 – 16 = 12.  12 – 3 = 9.  9 X 2 = 18.  18 + 5 = 23.  The fact that it’s 23 since the millennium she doesn’t need to know or want to know.)

Of course, the good news about her asking you is that you get to ask her.  The bad news?  You get to ask her.  After all, do you really want to know how many people she’s bumped uglies with?  Especially since on Planet Dallas you probably know them all?

But if she asked you, you might as well ask her.  Because, don’t worry, she’s going to lie too.  She’s not going to count:

1)                  The 5 guys she’s been with in Cancun (vacation sex doesn’t count, especially when it’s out of the country.)

2)                  The 45 runs to the border she’s made on guys (rent Clerks for a hilarious scene on this topic.)

3)                  The 6 one-night stands she’s had (it doesn’t count if she didn’t care about them.)

4)                  The numerous times the sex was bad (if she didn’t, why should it count on her total just because he did.)

5)                  The 3 experiments with sorority sisters in college.

6)                  The time she slept with your best friend (what you don’t know can’t hurt you and you were technically broken up then anyway.)

When she’s all done subtracting these from her list, she’s still not going to tell you the number.  Instead, she’s going to divide the result by whatever number is necessary to get her between 4 and 8. 

 Why that number?  Because she’s afraid double digits make her sound like a slut.  (Going down on half of Zubar doesn’t, but admitting double digits might.)  So even if you know 10 people who’ve been with her (which is probable on Planet Dallas), she’s still going to tell you that you are number 4 to 8 on her list.

 Why not 9?  Because she’s a chick and 9 is way too close for comfort.  Remember this is the girl that freaked out on her 29th birthday because the pressure of 30 was just too much.


As always, the views expressed here don’t necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less Us Exposed.

 - Flash -



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