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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Good morning, and welcome to Flash. Itís 8:00 in the morning. The sun is up. The birds are chirping. A new day has begun. So on Planet Dallas, it must be time to go home and go to bed.

Here Comes the Sun

Until recently, I thought everyone out in Dallas was a vampire. Well, maybe just everyone at Seven. The signs were all there; only coming out at night, wearing all black, looking in mirrors but obviously not seeing themselves.

But I was wrong. They canít be vampires. Why? Because theyíre still up partying when the sun comes up.

Bars may close at 2:00. And certain clubs may stay open until 4:00. But donít think thatís where the party ends. It canít. People have been practicing way too much better living through chemistry to go to sleep then.

So whatís a chemist to do when they get kicked out of Seven? Thereís only one thing; keep the party going at an after hours party.

Of course, not all after hours parties are created equal. There are as many kinds of after hours as there are chemicals of choice. So hereís Flashís rundown on some of the many breeds of late night fun.

Night of the Living Dead: This one is located at a house in Addison or Carrollton with no furniture in the living room and a pile of everyoneís shoes at the door. (Why are all after hours parties in 972 when most people go out in 214?) Itís one hundred of your closest friends (or people youíve seen at Seven - on Planet Dallas itís the same thing) sitting up against the wall staring into space so much youíd think they were astronomers (but definitely not rocket scientists.) Thereís barely any movement except for people heading to the bathroom (in groups). Thereís hardly any sound except for people asking to bum cigarettes.

All in the Family: This is similar to the Night of the Living Dead except that itís a smaller group of friends partying in an apartment. Because theyíre good friends, the chemistry set is out in the open. Usually thereís a plate with lines on it on the coffee table. Donít plan on finding someone here. Everyone is either already hooked up or too messed up. And watch out for Wired Wally and his twenty-minute lecture on why people donít respect each other any more. This party isnít complete until the neighbor pounds on the wall to turn the music down.

Miller Time: Chemists arenít the only ones who have after hours. Beerologists also work late, but they get an earlier start at 2:00 when they get kicked out of Zubar. By the time the chemists are leaving Seven to start their after hours, Miller Time is over and Nap Time has begun. This party is usually at whoeverís fridge has the most Bud Light in it and it isnít complete until someone passes out or throws up.

Dream On: This is the party you hear about but youíre never at. Itís always a friend of a friend that was there. You know the party, the one where there were twice as many girls as guys. Where certain girls are doing lines off certain male body parts. Where everyone got naked and ended up having an orgy in the pool. The funny thing is, you never know any of the guys that were supposedly there, but everyone can point out the girls that were supposedly there.

Stealth: You tell a hot chiquita youíre having people back to your place. What you donít tell her is that people means you and her. Then you act dumb. ďGee, I donít know what happened to everyone. You want a drink?Ē This doesnít work very often, but when it does, thereís usually a direct correlation between success and the chemistry set you have at home.

Perfect: A hot chiquita, a bottle of wine, soft music, candlelight, and RAUCOUS, ILLEGAL IN 49 STATES, ROMPER ROOM SEX! Oh, and cuddling afterwards.

Of course, the busiest place after hours isnít a party at all. Itís the drive-thru line at Whataburger and Jack in the Box.


As always, the views expressed here probably donít reflect the views of anyone else on Planet Dallas, much less Us Exposed.

- Flash -


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