Exposing
the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
Good morning, and welcome to Flash. It’s 8:00 in the morning.
The sun is up. The birds are chirping. A new day has begun. So
on Planet Dallas, it must be time to go home and go to bed.
Here Comes the Sun
Until recently, I thought everyone out in Dallas was a vampire.
Well, maybe just everyone at Seven. The signs were all there;
only coming out at night, wearing all black, looking in mirrors
but obviously not seeing themselves.
But I was wrong. They can’t be vampires. Why? Because they’re
still up partying when the sun comes up.
Bars may close at 2:00. And certain clubs may stay open until
4:00. But don’t think that’s where the party ends. It can’t. People
have been practicing way too much better living through chemistry
to go to sleep then.
So what’s a chemist to do when they get kicked out of Seven? There’s
only one thing; keep the party going at an after hours party.
Of course, not all after hours parties are created equal. There
are as many kinds of after hours as there are chemicals of choice.
So here’s Flash’s rundown on some of the many breeds of late night
fun.
Night of the Living Dead: This one is located at a house in Addison
or Carrollton with no furniture in the living room and a pile
of everyone’s shoes at the door. (Why are all after hours parties
in 972 when most people go out in 214?) It’s one hundred of your
closest friends (or people you’ve seen at Seven - on Planet Dallas
it’s the same thing) sitting up against the wall staring into
space so much you’d think they were astronomers (but definitely
not rocket scientists.) There’s barely any movement except for
people heading to the bathroom (in groups). There’s hardly any
sound except for people asking to bum cigarettes.
All in the Family: This is similar to the Night of the Living
Dead except that it’s a smaller group of friends partying in an
apartment. Because they’re good friends, the chemistry set is
out in the open. Usually there’s a plate with lines on it on the
coffee table. Don’t plan on finding someone here. Everyone is
either already hooked up or too messed up. And watch out for Wired
Wally and his twenty-minute lecture on why people don’t respect
each other any more. This party isn’t complete until the neighbor
pounds on the wall to turn the music down.
Miller Time: Chemists aren’t the only ones who have after hours.
Beerologists also work late, but they get an earlier start at
2:00 when they get kicked out of Zubar. By the time the chemists
are leaving Seven to start their after hours, Miller Time is over
and Nap Time has begun. This party is usually at whoever’s fridge
has the most Bud Light in it and it isn’t complete until someone
passes out or throws up.
Dream On: This is the party you hear about but you’re never at.
It’s always a friend of a friend that was there. You know the
party, the one where there were twice as many girls as guys. Where
certain girls are doing lines off certain male body parts. Where
everyone got naked and ended up having an orgy in the pool. The
funny thing is, you never know any of the guys that were supposedly
there, but everyone can point out the girls that were supposedly
there.
Stealth: You tell a hot chiquita you’re having people back to
your place. What you don’t tell her is that people means you and
her. Then you act dumb. “Gee, I don’t know what happened to everyone.
You want a drink?” This doesn’t work very often, but when it does,
there’s usually a direct correlation between success and the chemistry
set you have at home.
Perfect: A hot chiquita, a bottle of wine, soft music, candlelight,
and RAUCOUS, ILLEGAL IN 49 STATES, ROMPER ROOM SEX! Oh, and cuddling
afterwards.
Of course, the busiest place after hours isn’t a party at all.
It’s the drive-thru line at Whataburger and Jack in the Box.
P.S.
As always, the views expressed here probably don’t reflect the
views of anyone else on Planet Dallas, much less Us Exposed.
- Flash -
flash@usexposed.com
