Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
Welcome to Dallas, where the breasts are big and the hair is blonde. My nameís Flash and Iíll be your tour guide today. If you look to your right youíll see a strip mall. To your left youíll see a strip joint. Behind us, office buildings. And straight ahead, ummÖ more office buildings.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
You may have noticed that all the big cities have nicknames. New York is the Big Apple. LA is Tinseltown. Chicago isÖ umm, cold. Oh, thatís right, itís the Windy City. And Dallas is Big D.
What the hell is Big D besides a cheesy rip-off of the Big Apple? I know New Orleans does it too with the Big Easy, but at least that sounds cool and it describes the city. But Big D? I just donít get it unless it refers to the average size of the breasts in this town.
It canít refer to the fact that Dallas starts with a capital D, can it? After all, all proper nouns start with capitals. Even graduates of DISD know that. Besides, if that was the case, then Houston would be the Big H, and nobody wants that.
What Dallas really needs is new nickname, something snappy that describes the city, not itís breasts. Any ideas?
Yes, you, dancing at Baby Dolls? The Big Easy? I can understand why you would say that but itís already taken. Please pay attention.
Yes, you in Oak Lawn. Gay Paree? Sorry, already taken by Paris.
Yes, you, the flight attendant for American. The Mile High Club? Oh, you mean the Mile High City? No, already taken by Denver, but would you like to go out, maybe take a trip?
Since we donít seem to be getting anywhere this way, maybe we can come up with something based on Dallasís natural beauty. Do we have an ocean? No. Beach? No. Mountains? No (besides the Menís Club). Hills, even? No. Trees? Barely. (Do you ever wonder why people settled here in the first place? I mean before there was Neimanís.)
Since thereís no scenic beauty, how about something that describes the people. Letís seeÖ How about the Velveeta Capital of the World. HmmmÖ Sounds about right. In fact, itís perfect, because not only is Velveeta cheesy, itís fake cheese.
Oh, but wait a minute. We canít use that. Wisconsin is already the cheese state and itís bad enough ripping off New York. Do we really want to copy Packer fans?
How about something that describes what people do? HmmmÖ Oh, I got it. The Coke Machine. After all, the Pepsi Challenge better never come to Dallas because everyone will choose Coke.
Sorry, I have just been served with an injunction by Coca Colaís lawyers preventing us from using the Coke Machine without paying them $2 million per year for the naming rights. And to think I thought we could get it cheaper than that from the Columbians.
Damn, I canít think anymore. The glare off all these mirrored glass office buildings is giving me a headache.
Wait a second... Thatís it.
What is nearly every building in Dallas? Mirrored glass. What is everybody doing lines off of? A mirror. What do people on Planet Dallas like to do more than anything else? Check themselves out in the mirror.
Almost everything in Dallas involves a mirror, from A (architecture) to Z (the back bar at Zubar.) Right down to the buildings, Dallas is just one big mirror.
Dallas is the Big Mirror. I like it.
The funny thing is, as much as people on Planet Dallas love to check themselves out, they obviously never really look at themselves.
As always, the views expressed here donít necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on the planet, much less
- Flash -