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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Mom, this is your son Flash. If you're reading this, STOP NOW! Do not go any further! Trust me, you do not want to see this. You'll call me crying and leave a message saying you're praying for me. Then Father Callahan will call. It will be a mess. So just stop now. It'll save us both a lot of trouble.

What are you doing still reading? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

It's All In Your Head

Guys are all about the three Bs; Babes, Booze and Ball. After all, what's better than drinking a beer while watching the game with your chiquita. Well, maybe a fourth B would make it better. What's the fourth B? Yes, you in the back, you have a guess? Yes, that's right. You hit the nail on the head.

Of course, guys are always bitching that they don't get these often enough. Then again, 24 hours a day probably wouldn't be often enough. But maybe you should be looking in the mirror rather complaining about your chiquita. After all, are you doing all you can to improve your chances?

Just to make sure you're doing everything you can, here's Flash's suggestions on getting her to go downtown.

1. Take a shower. Coming home from the gym, watching the game while you eat, and then going to bed without bathing is not the way to get her to visit your boxer buddy. After all, do you like going south of the border when she's not minty fresh? Trust me, neither does she. You've smelled your gym shorts when you get home before. Well, that's second hand smoke. She's inhaling directly, so at least rinse off.

2. Get a trim. And I don't mean on top of your head. I mean around the other head. After all, don't you like her nice and neat when you make a run for the border? Well, she doesn't like hacking through the jungle any more than you do. Besides, your tree needs all the help it can get to stand out from the forest. And if you expect her to give THEM attention when she's visiting, shave them. But be very careful, they don't grow back.

3. Stop the push down. It may have worked in high school, but she was in band, for god's sake. She would've done anything. Believe me, girls know you like that without exercising your triceps. Every guy likes it. If she doesn't want to, shoving her down there is no way to convince her. Remember she has teeth. Try talking to her rather than pushing her. Just ask her. If that doesn't work, beg her. If that doesn't work, see #4.

4. Be a gambler. Girls always think they're right, don't they? Well, take advantage of it. Every time she's convinced she's right about something and you're wrong, bet on it. If I have to tell you what to wager, then you don't deserve what we're talking about. Worse case, you lose and have to do something you should be doing anyhow. Best case, she loses and you get to check the part in her hair. The fact that she was wrong is just icing on the cake.

5. Quit with the hips. She's not a hula-hoop. Maybe she'd like it more if you weren't trying to inspect her esophagus. Trust me, she'll never do it again if she chokes to death. There's a gag reflex for a reason. Let her be in control and she'll like it more. You know how much she loves to think she's in control.

6. Say when. Don't be tempted to milk it for all it's worth and surprise her. It's not going to guarantee she orders a Big Gulp. In fact, it'll probably just mean she spills the Slurpee all over you. Let her decide. Otherwise, she'll never shop at your not-quite 7-11 again.

Of course, none of this is guaranteed to get you anything. After all, Flash isn't a miracle worker. If I could get one anytime, do you think I'd be wasting valuable time on this column?

Besides, there's only one way guaranteed to get one.

Buy her a Mercedes.


The views expressed here may reflect the views of your chiquita, but not necessarily Us Exposed or my mother.

- Flash -


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