FLASH
Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
Flash is not a Fashion Merchandising major. Flash does not subscribe to Women's Wear
Daily. Flash does not read Vogue (other than to occasionally check out the hotties). Flash
just knows what he likes and what he likes to laugh at.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
It almost goes without saying that men are fashion challenged. Our choice of clothes often
comes down to which t-shirt is clean or which boxers smell the least. A big fashion
statement is whether we tuck our shirt in or not.
Girls, on the other hand, are much better with fashion. After all, you've been playing
dress-up, reading Cosmo, and shopping all your lives. With all this practice and
experience, you have to be better than the guys, right?
Wrong. If what guys wear can make you go blind, some of the things I've seen girls wearing
will make you laugh.
In the last Flash we discussed the many ways guys can be hard on the eyes. Today we take
the same hard look at female fashion faux pas. And trust me, there's more than just animal
prints. But since we mentioned it, let's start there with the good, the bad, and the ugly
of female fashion on Planet Dallas.
Animal Prints
The Good: A sexy outfit that turns the guys into animals.
The Bad: Wearing enough different animal prints to make you look like a billboard for the
Dallas Zoo. Getting groped in the Milk Bar may make it seem like a petting zoo, but you
shouldn't dress like it.
The Ugly: A pair of zebra pants on a butt as big as a zebra's. Trust me, if the National
Geographic photographer needs a telephoto lens to tell the difference between your ass and
a zebra's, the print is not right for you.
Bare Midriffs
The Good: A tanned, toned stomach that leaves every Velveeta King hungry for more. (And
extra credit for the sexy little tattoo in the small of the back just above the ass that
peeks out from the top of your pants.)
The Bad: A stomach that looks like one deep breath will send that belly button ring
shooting across the Go Lounge and kill some Velveeta King. (Maybe that's not such a bad
thing after all.)
The Ugly: A happy trail on a guy is one thing. After all, we're hairy. A happy trail on a
girl is a completely different thing and that thing is disgusting. So you might want to
think about waxing.
Makeup
The Good: I don't even notice you're wearing any.
The Bad: Anything that looks like an Elvira starter kit when the lights come on at 2:00.
And you're not fooling anyone with that lipliner halfway down to your chin. We know that
ain't all lip.
The Ugly: Something that looks like your face would fall off if someone slapped you on the
back hard enough. Believe me, if you can see the line where the makeup stops and your neck
begins, it's too much. And eyebrows are supposed to have hair in them, not just pencil.
Hair
The Good: Long enough to tickle my thighs, short enough that I can still see your face.
The Bad: Enough hairspray that you have your own little hole in the ozone layer following
you around. A hairdo should not look like you needed a building permit for it. A roof top
deck may be work for Milk Bar, but not for your hair.
The Ugly: Hair bleached blonde so many times it looks like used fishing line. And don't
even try to tell me it's natural. You're not Swedish. The only way the carpet is matching
those drapes is if you're an albino.
Bras
The Good: Who needs one?
The Bad: That damn WonderBra. It may be a wonder to you, but to us, it's just false
advertising.
The Ugly: Having straps, snaps, and god knows what else hanging out. Especially when the
color doesn't even go with, much less match, the outfit you're wearing it under. Showing a
little strap may have worked in junior high, but hell, we'd never seen a bra before. So
unless you're Madonna, buy a strapless, backless, or some kind of bra to keep it hidden.
Purses
The Good: Anything I don't have to hold while you go dance, go talk to your friends, or go
to the bathroom.
The Bad: Something so big it looks like I could use it as luggage on a weekend trip. If
American Airlines won't let you carry it on, don't bring it out.
The Ugly: Something so small I end up carrying your lipstick, your ID, and your car keys.
If I can fit them in my pocket, you should be able to get them in a damn purse.
P.S.
As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on
the planet, much less US Exposed.
- Flash -
flash@usexposed.com
