Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
Welcome to Flash's First Annual Velveeta Day Sale. This week, and this week only, all
items mentioned below will be on sale for 20% off the listed price. Just go to your local
Goodwill and mention you read this ad.
Men in Black
I had a scary moment the other night at Zubar. I was hanging out, having my fifteenth
drink, when suddenly I realized I was colorblind. I panicked. All I could think about was
that I'd never again be able to tell if a chiquita had blue or brown eyes. A full-fledged
anxiety attack set in.
Then, of course, I realized I didn't really care if a chiquita had blue or brown eyes. In
fact, I'd have a built in excuse if I was talking to a girl and she caught me checking out
her breasts rather than paying attention to her.
"Are you listening to me?"
"Well, I'm up here, not down there."
"Then what color are my eyes?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm colorblind."
After I calmed down (thank God for Xanax), I was able to figure out what happened. Every
guy in the place was wearing black. And since everybody in the place was a guy, I had
drunkenly mistaken the lack of color for being colorblind.
While I was relieved to know that I would still be able to look deep into a girl's eyes
and know how large her breasts were, it did start me thinking. Despite the momentary panic
the men in black had caused me, it's actually a good thing. Because when guys start
getting creative with their clothes, bad things happen.
What bad things? Fashion faux pas that will make you go blind, not just colorblind. So, in
the interest of helping those whose sense of fashion makes no sense, here's a baker's
dozen of helpful hints from Flash.
1. Loosen up. I know you like to wear that skintight black shirt that shows off your
triceps. So does every other guy. It may be stylin' and beguilin', but it's also
profilin'. Your gut, that is. So, unless you're as dedicated to sit-ups as you are to
curls, leave something to the imagination. Saying no to Jack in the Box at 2:00 in the
morning once in a while wouldn't hurt either. And no, pulling your pants up higher doesn't
help (see #2).
2. Pants should be worn on the hip, not around the stomach. Pulling them up over your gut
doesn't make you look less fat, just more like your grandfather. If your belt is in your
armpits, pull the damn things down!
3. Button up. And not all the way to the top. Definitely not. But at least to the nipple.
You know how much you like seeing a girl's nipple? Well, that's how much the rest of us
like NOT seeing yours.
4. Acid washed jeans are out. And have been since about 1989. And no, that doesn't make
them retro; it just makes you look like you still listen to Flock of Seagulls.
5. The golf shirts aren't working. Your buddies in your next foursome (golf, not your
dreams) may be impressed that you played the Four Seasons TPC and paid $80 for a $40 shirt
in the pro shop, but not the ladies.
6. Keep the jewelry to a minimum. You can get away with a necklace or a ring, but keep the
bracelet at home. If you take a girl home and you're pulling off more metal than she is,
you've got issues. And no GOLD! If you must wear jewelry, keep it silver (or white gold or
7. Vests should never be worn, and especially not with nothing underneath. Schwartznegger
would look bad in just a vest and trust me; you're no Mr. America.
8. Jeans should not be skintight. I don't care if you think it worked for George Michael
in the "Faith" video. You know how he ended up.
9. The cowboy boots aren't fooling anyone. Unless you're at Country 2000 every chiquita
knows you're only wearing them to get that extra 2 inches of lift. So any extra play you
think you're going to get by going from 5' 7" to 5' 9" is completely offset by
the fact you're wearing COWBOY BOOTS!
10. Banded collars are out. Especially with a vest (see #7). Unless you're a priest, you
shouldn't be wearing them. And if you're a priest, what are you doing reading Flash?
11. Sweaters should not be tucked in. Unless you're Vinnie from Newark, you can't pull
this off. And Vinnie only gets away with it because he has friends in the family business,
if you know what I mean.
12. Keep the advertising to a minimum. Sure, everyone likes Armani. But a t-shirt with
Armani on it isn't quite the same. You paid $40 for it; they didn't pay you, so there's no
need to look like a walking billboard.
13. Jeans should not be starched. The only thing stiff in your jeans should be you when
you're with a chiquita.
Normally I'd say take your offending clothes to Goodwill rather than throw them away, but
these are so bad, you really should burn them. It's your choice. But I have some lighter
fluid and a match waiting.
Coming in the next Flash, the good, the bad, and the ugly of female fashion.
And the views expressed here probably reflect the opinions of just about every chiquita in
town, but not necessarily Us Exposed.
- Flash -