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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters F - L - A - S and H. F is for Funny. L is for Lewd. A is for Alcoholic. S is for Smartass. H is for Hungover. Put it all together and you get Flash.

Alphabet Soup

Do you remember playing the alphabet game when you were a little kid and your parents were trying to teach you your ABCs? You know, A is for Apple, B is for Boy, C is for Cat, D is for Dumbass. Well, maybe that was only my parents.

Actually, I don't really remember it. I guess all the brain cells I've killed had to hold something. Thank God it wasn't the night that… well, never mind. But I've been told it's a fun game. So, in the interest of reliving my lost childhood, here's a new alphabet game for all of us on Planet Dallas to learn (especially since you can't count on Dallas Public Schools to teach your kids their ABCs.)

A is for Addison Circle, where half the Velveeta Kings in town live.

B is for Baby Dolls, where half the Velveeta Kings in town hang out.

C is for the Coke that makes the Baby Doll dancer go home with the Velveeta King.

D is for D-cup; the minimum size to get a guy's attention in this town.

E is for the Enlargement girls get to get the guy's attention.

F is for Fake, the adjective for just about everything in this town, from breasts to people.

G is for the Girlfriend every guy says he wants if he'd just meet the right girl. And then he heads to the Men's Club.

H is for Hopeless, which are your chances of meeting someone real in this town.

I is for Incestuous, the only way to describe a town where everybody knows everybody, and everybody's slept with everybody.

J is for the Jerk who just tried to hit on your date, despite the fact that you're in the middle of a conversation with her.

K is for the Knife girls stab their friends in the back with when they're competing for a guy.

L is for Love, which in this town means twenty sweaty minutes with someone you just met at Go Lounge

M is for Mambo Taxis, the only thing worth living for in 972. And 214 for that matter.

N is for Never, which is how often he's sincere when he says he cares.

O is for Often, which is how frequently he says he cares just to get you in bed.

P is for Psycho, which describes half the ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends in this town.

Q is for Quick, which is how fast he'll dump you for that dancer from the Men's Club.

R is for the Relationship… wait a minute, this is Dallas. There's no such thing in this town.

S is for Single, which is what you're doomed to be until you move out of this town.

T is for Topless, which describes approximately 90% of the bars in this town.

U is for Us Exposed, the place to go for proof of how messed up you were last night.

V is for the Viagra that keeps the 50-year-old men hitting on 20-year-old girls.

W is for White Trash. Enough said.

X is for X, the late night candy that widens eyes and smiles.

Y is for Young, which is what the girlfriends of most of the 40-year-old men in this town are.

Z is for Zebra, the most popular pants for girls since the invention of blue jeans.


The views expressed here do not reflect the views of Big Bird, Cookie Monster, or any of the rest of the Sesame Street gang, and probably not even Us Exposed.

- Flash -


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