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Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife

This episode of Flash has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. No one under the age of seventeen will be admitted unless accompanied by a parent or guardian. So please have your ID ready.

Pandora's Toy Box

It's happened to all of us. You're going through your girl's closet, looking for some of the six sweatshirts, ten t-shirts, and eight pairs of boxers she's borrowed. Not snooping. You would never snoop. And then you find it. In the shoebox, behind the box of high school yearbooks, under her extra set of sheets.

You're shocked and horrified. How can she need this when she has you? After all, you pride yourself in that area. You've got moves. And when you go south of the border, you pack a lunch, scuba gear, whatever it takes. So why? Are you doing something wrong? Do you not satisfy her? Is Mini-Me too… mini?

Relax. Flash is here to help. Of course, if there's no motion in the ocean, and you wouldn't put your boat out on Lake Lewisville, much less the ocean, then you're beyond help.

A Guy's Guide to Girl's Toys

There are two main types of toys, electric or non-electric.

The electric versions are normally battery powered. If your girl has one that kick starts, run - don't walk - for the exits unless you're Ron Jeremy. Electric toys often masquerade as other things. If your girl says she has a back massager, don't fall for it. It's a toy. She may be fooling herself, but she's not fooling us. The box may say it's a back massager, but something tells me she's using it in a way not recommended in the owner's manual.

The other type is the non-electric toy. Typically, they're bigger and, uh, well, more anatomically correct. Don't be scared if it's bigger than you. Of course, if it's bigger than what you'd use for batting practice, then you might have a reason to be nervous. But let's just hope her eyes were bigger than her... well, you know. Kind of like your eyes are bigger than your stomach on Thanksgiving and you take four helpings and can't move off the couch later on.

What are the chances your girl has a toy? If she's in her early twenties, she maybe has one. If she's in her late twenties, then she probably has one. In her thirties? She has the whole Power Ranger collection of red, blue and yellow. (Power Rangers, vibrate!)

Toys shouldn't be anything to be afraid of. After all, the stack of Hustlers and the year supply of hand lotion you have hidden in your closet doesn't make you a deviant, does it? Of course, if you found nipple clamps and a crotchless latex bodysuit, she might be just the freak you've been looking for.

Toys can be fun for the whole family. Think of them as accessories to your sex life, not competition. If you want, ask her to use them with you. Of course, don't do it unless you're prepared for her to ask you to use your toy in front of her, if you know what I mean.

There are also videos. You may be asking, "What do videos have to do with toys?" Well, if they can sell "The Lion King" at Toys R Us, then I can include videos. Granted, videos are mostly a guy thing, but hey, if she's playing with toys, maybe she'd be willing to watch a video with you.

If you do decide to watch a video with your girl, here are a couple guidelines. First off, don't pull something out of your extensive library. Bringing out "Rump Rangers" from the closet at the end of the night is not going to work. Go buy something special for her or with her.

Second, a little porn etiquette. Don't spend the whole time watching the TV. You're dating your girl, not Ginger Lynn. She already worries enough about real girls. You don't need her sweating someone who exists only on VHS.

But back to true toys. The bottom line is don't worry if she buys a toy. She's not replacing you. After all, she still needs conversation. Who's she going to talk to, the toy? (If she does, let her move on.) No, she's still going to talk to… well, actually, her girlfriends. Damn, we should have known that not listening was going to bite us in the ass sooner or later.

Well, let's see, she still has to need you for something. Besides buying dinner. Or buying drinks. Oh, that's right, cuddling. She can't snuggle with however many inches of plastic and a couple D batteries. So relax, she still needs you.

But be worried if she buys a body pillow.


And as always, the perverted views expressed here probably don't reflect the views of anyone else on Planet Dallas or any other planet, and certainly not Us Exposed.

- Flash -


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