FLASH
Exposing the seamy underside of Dallas nightlife
Flash would like to thank all the little people who've helped make this column possible;
the ex-girlfriends who made me bitter enough to lash out, Us Exposed for giving me a place
to vent, Dallas hipsters for providing a constant supply of ammunition, and the makers of
Absolut for giving me a reason to go on.
And They Said It Wouldn't Last
It seems like only yesterday I was just a smart ass punk with a drinking problem. Now, ten
editions later, I'm a smart ass punk with a bigger drinking problem and a weekly deadline.
And they say dreams don't come true.
I'm sure you find it hard to believe, and even harder to stomach, but Flash has survived
to its Tenth Anniversary, despite protests by the Dallas Cheeseball Society and Strippers
Anonymous, and a boycott by the Animal Print Coalition.
To commemorate this auspicious occasion, we've planned something special. Hollywood has
its Oscars, and now Dallas has it Flashers. While the Oscars celebrate outstanding
achievement in film, the Flashers honor special accomplishments in Dallas nightlife. But
don't worry, no cheesy song and dance numbers (we have enough cheddar in this town without
them), and no rambling acceptance speeches (would you really want to hear some of these
people talk?).
So, without further adieu, we proudly present (drum roll please) the First Annual
Flashers.
Best Special Effects: Those wizards at the North Texas Cosmetic Surgery Institute for
putting the large in breast enlargement. It must be special effects because, according to
the laws of physics, anything that large is supposed to be affected by gravity. (And a
cheer erupts from the Strippers Anonymous protesters gathered outside the auditorium.)
Best Sound Effects: The Harleys revving off at about 130 decibels from the Blue Goose on
Sunday. Wait a minute, did you say "Best" Sound Effect? Then never mind. (I
don't hear very well anymore and I can't figure out why.)
Best Costume: The girl in the snake print dress at Rear Window. I take back all I've ever
said about animal prints because DAMN! (The Animal Print Coalition boycotters just called
to see if it was too late to get tickets to the ceremony.)
Best Original Score: I'd love to tell you about it, but the girl probably wouldn't
appreciate it. And then Flash wouldn't be able to score anymore.
Best Documentary, Short Subject: "The Attention Span of the Dallas Male." Very
short subject. (The protesters from the Dallas Cheeseball Society gathered outside would
be booing here, except they've already forgotten why they're here and are busy hitting on
the protesters from Strippers Anonymous.)
Best Performance in a Supporting Role, Female: The halter-top on the beer tub girl at Milk
Bar. The one back by the jukebox. It fact, it deserves two Flashers. (Wait a minute; the
doctors from the North Texas Cosmetic Surgery Institute have rushed back onstage claiming
they deserve the credit, not the halter-top. But don't worry, security has beaten them to
a pulp and dragged them offstage.)
Best Performance in a Supporting Role, Male: The hair gel used by approximately 90% of
Dallas guys to get that short, spiky, slightly messed up hairdo that's a must for every
Velveeta King in town. (The gel is not here to accept the award, but accepting on its
behalf is the bleach used for the blonde highlights on some of them.)
Best Editing: Whoever did the resumes that got all these Dallas hipsters jobs that allow
them to be out until 4:00 AM every night of the week.
Best Cinematography: Puhleez! The snappers from Us Exposed
in a landslide.
Best Performance by an Actress: Miss Dallas pretending that she doesn't care how much
money the guy makes or what car he drives. (She comes to the stage to accept her award
wearing a stunning ensemble of snakeskin top, zebra pants and leopard purse.)
Best Performance by an Actor: Mr. Velveeta trying to tell his girlfriend that he only gave
the stripper - excuse me, dancer - from the Men's Club a ride home. (The protesters from
the Dallas Cheeseball Society and Strippers Anonymous would be cheering here, except
they've already gone home together.)
Best Directing: Miss Dallas telling Daddy Warbucks exactly what kind of drink she wants
him to buy her. (There's a bit of a delay as we wait for Miss Dallas to come on stage. It
seems she's still in the bathroom celebrating her win for Best Actress.)
Best Picture: Okay, so I'm biased. Did you think Price Waterhouse was guarding the
ballots? But now you know what I mean about the halter-top.
Finally, it is with great honor and sadness that we award this year's Lifetime Achievement
Award to The Bone. For so many years, The Bone has consistently provided so many of us
with liquor, lager, and late night love while so many other bars came and went. This is
even more amazing considering it sounds like a gay pickup joint.
So when I saw that it had died last month, I was greatly saddened. It was… What? You
say it's still alive? Didn't look like it when I was there last month. (A few too many
sake bombs at Sushi Nights to do anything but stumble around Deep Ellum.) Maybe it was
just Mesquite Rodeo theme night. Well, this is the last time I don't check with the
hospital after the ambulance drives off.
P.S.
As always, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect the views of anyone else on
the planet, the galaxy or the universe, much less Us Exposed.
- Flash-
