THE 19 CARDINAL RULES OF DRIVING IN DALLAS
1. A right lane
construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in
line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting
for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
construction barrels.
2. Turn signals
provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so never use
them.
3. Under no
circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car
in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do,
somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an
even more dangerous situation.
4. The faster you
drive through a red light, the less your chance of getting hit.
5. The car with the
most extensive bodywork automatically has the right of way. (Remember
no-fault insurance, he might not have as much to lose as you do.)
6. Braking is to be
done as hard and late as possible, to insure that your antilock
braking system kicks in. This will give you a nice,
relaxing foot massage as the pedal pulsates.
7. Construction signs
are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately
after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the
traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic
traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful
information, but just to tell time and make Dallas look progressive.
9. Never pass on the
left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare
people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is
encouraged--that's why they're paved.
10. Speed limits are
arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms to other state
policies, these are intended only as suggestions and are actually
unenforceable.
11. Just because you're in
the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean
that a driver flashing his high beam behind you doesn't think he can
go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that
there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on I-35
or 75 Central.
13. Always slow down and
rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a
tire. If you're lucky you may
see the unlucky breakdown victim get mugged.
13. Learn to swerve
abruptly. Dallas is the home
of very high speed slalom driving, thanks to Texas DOT, who put
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on
their toes. Parts of truck tires are left on new highways (where
potholes haven't yet been established) for the same purpose.
15. It is considered
correct in Dallas to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such
traditions.
16. Seeking eye contact
with another driver automatically revokes your right of way.
17. Giving the finger may
invite armed retaliation. Be sure that your rifle is on the gun
rack in the rear window (and therefore visible) rather than lying on
the seat, and in range to pick up easily.
18. When in doubt, remember
that all unmarked exits lead to Oklahoma.
19. You don't have to wait
for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to
the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Dallas
residents notify the Texas DOT where exits should have been built.
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